Grow Old With Me: August 2010

I titled this post "Guilt" because that's exactly how I feel about how my breastfeeding experience turned out. When I was pregnant I was planning to breastfeed but if it didn't work out then I was fine with formula feeding too. Well, after giving birth to Avery, my point of view on breastfeeding totally changed and I definitely wanted to exclusively breastfeed.

After my somewhat traumatic delivery experience I wasn't able to breastfeed her because I had passed out twice and then wasn't doing all that well because of all the blood I lost. The nurses in the nursery were not supposed to give her a bottle, but to finger feed her with a formula filled syringe. Well, of course they gave her a bottle (grrr)! By the time I first breast fed her she wouldn't latch on and stay on. I was given a nipple shield and she seemed to latch on better with that but would get frustrated quickly when she wasn't getting that much out. She was used to getting the instant satisfaction of the bottle in the nursery I guess. The nurse that was helping me breastfeed had me putting the tube of the syringe in the corner of her mouth while she was latched on and told me that if she was latched on right then the syringe would go down on it's own. She wasn't getting the formula down on her own so I had to slowly push the syringe down as she sucked. They also told me to "finger feed" her (having the syringe tube on my finger and then having her suck on my finger).

When we got home with her I continued to do both finger feeding and putting the syringe in the corner of her mouth while she was latched on. My milk finally came in 5 days after she was born! She started to do well after that but still wouldn't nurse without the nipple shield. I continued to exclusively breastfeed her for about 2 weeks and then gave her pumped breastmilk in a bottle once in a while (something I regret now). When Avery was 4 weeks old my husband's family from Massachusetts came to visit us for a week and I began to pump more often because I didn't want to always be taking the baby away to breastfeed her, especially because she was a slow nurser and would fall asleep and then wake up hungry not soon after. I was still nursing her at night and in the morning but was pumping during the day time for her. I also supplemented with formula a few times because I was always leaving to go pump (stupid...I know this now).

After my husband's family left I nursed Avery more often but still continued to pump also. I guess I got used to the freedom of pumping and having others being able to feed her. Soon, she got used to the bottle and wasn't wanting to nurse that often because she was getting it out faster than getting it out of the breast. Then, I got mastitis (which was awful)! My brother's girlfriend told me that her son got thrush while she was taking antibiotics for mastitis, so I decided to pump and dump and feed her formula while I was on the antibiotics. After I was done with the antibiotics I tried nursing her and she was just over it. I tried and tried and tried but she just wasn't having it! My milk supply also went way down after taking the antibiotics so then I HAD to suppplement with formula because I wasn't making enough to fill her. I started taking Fenugreek and that brought my supply up a little but I still wasn't producing enough for her. Then i decided to up the amount of Fenugreek that I was taking in hopes that my supply would come back to where it used to be. I noticed a slight change, but Avery was getting really loose stools to the point where she was soiling her clothes all the time! I decided to stop taking the Fenugreek all together.

I became so frustrated with my low milk supply that I decided to just give it up and switch to all formula. I stopped pumping but after a while I was engorged so I gave in and pumped to get relief. I couldn't just give up on giving at least some breastmilk to my daughter so I purchased a double electric pump (because my single electric that I was using daily lost it's suction). Since then I have been trying to pump every 3 hours and getting only about 2 oz. total. I usually get a 4 or 5 oz. bottle in the morning after going all night without pumping because Avery has been sleeping through the night.

I just hate how the whole situation turned out. If I could go back I would've never introduced Avery to the bottle so early. I also would've continued to exclusively breastfeed even though we had company staying with us. I feel SO GUILTY about not being able to give Avery all breastmilk. I will continue to pump though because some breast milk is better than none at all. I'm afraid that my milk is just going to disappear pretty soon though because the pump is just not the same as a baby's suck. I've tried to get Avery to breastfeed recently and she just screams and won't do it.

Seeing people write about breastfeeding their baby actually makes me sad! I am so jealous of the mothers that are just exclusively breastfeeding their baby. I know that it was my stupid decisions that caused this and now I can't fix it.

On a totally different subject, I am wondering what everyone's opinions are on vaccinations. I'm not trying to start a debate on the subject though. I am just wondering what your reasons are for vaccinating or not vaccinating your child. I decided not to vaccinate Avery at all but I sometimes feel uncertain of my decision and would just appreciate other's opinions on the subject. Ok, I am sorry that this post is so long! Enjoy what's left of the weekend! :)