I titled this post "Guilt" because that's exactly how I feel about how my breastfeeding experience turned out. When I was pregnant I was planning to breastfeed but if it didn't work out then I was fine with formula feeding too. Well, after giving birth to Avery, my point of view on breastfeeding totally changed and I definitely wanted to exclusively breastfeed.
After my somewhat traumatic delivery experience I wasn't able to breastfeed her because I had passed out twice and then wasn't doing all that well because of all the blood I lost. The nurses in the nursery were not supposed to give her a bottle, but to finger feed her with a formula filled syringe. Well, of course they gave her a bottle (grrr)! By the time I first breast fed her she wouldn't latch on and stay on. I was given a nipple shield and she seemed to latch on better with that but would get frustrated quickly when she wasn't getting that much out. She was used to getting the instant satisfaction of the bottle in the nursery I guess. The nurse that was helping me breastfeed had me putting the tube of the syringe in the corner of her mouth while she was latched on and told me that if she was latched on right then the syringe would go down on it's own. She wasn't getting the formula down on her own so I had to slowly push the syringe down as she sucked. They also told me to "finger feed" her (having the syringe tube on my finger and then having her suck on my finger).
When we got home with her I continued to do both finger feeding and putting the syringe in the corner of her mouth while she was latched on. My milk finally came in 5 days after she was born! She started to do well after that but still wouldn't nurse without the nipple shield. I continued to exclusively breastfeed her for about 2 weeks and then gave her pumped breastmilk in a bottle once in a while (something I regret now). When Avery was 4 weeks old my husband's family from Massachusetts came to visit us for a week and I began to pump more often because I didn't want to always be taking the baby away to breastfeed her, especially because she was a slow nurser and would fall asleep and then wake up hungry not soon after. I was still nursing her at night and in the morning but was pumping during the day time for her. I also supplemented with formula a few times because I was always leaving to go pump (stupid...I know this now).
After my husband's family left I nursed Avery more often but still continued to pump also. I guess I got used to the freedom of pumping and having others being able to feed her. Soon, she got used to the bottle and wasn't wanting to nurse that often because she was getting it out faster than getting it out of the breast. Then, I got mastitis (which was awful)! My brother's girlfriend told me that her son got thrush while she was taking antibiotics for mastitis, so I decided to pump and dump and feed her formula while I was on the antibiotics. After I was done with the antibiotics I tried nursing her and she was just over it. I tried and tried and tried but she just wasn't having it! My milk supply also went way down after taking the antibiotics so then I HAD to suppplement with formula because I wasn't making enough to fill her. I started taking Fenugreek and that brought my supply up a little but I still wasn't producing enough for her. Then i decided to up the amount of Fenugreek that I was taking in hopes that my supply would come back to where it used to be. I noticed a slight change, but Avery was getting really loose stools to the point where she was soiling her clothes all the time! I decided to stop taking the Fenugreek all together.
I became so frustrated with my low milk supply that I decided to just give it up and switch to all formula. I stopped pumping but after a while I was engorged so I gave in and pumped to get relief. I couldn't just give up on giving at least some breastmilk to my daughter so I purchased a double electric pump (because my single electric that I was using daily lost it's suction). Since then I have been trying to pump every 3 hours and getting only about 2 oz. total. I usually get a 4 or 5 oz. bottle in the morning after going all night without pumping because Avery has been sleeping through the night.
I just hate how the whole situation turned out. If I could go back I would've never introduced Avery to the bottle so early. I also would've continued to exclusively breastfeed even though we had company staying with us. I feel SO GUILTY about not being able to give Avery all breastmilk. I will continue to pump though because some breast milk is better than none at all. I'm afraid that my milk is just going to disappear pretty soon though because the pump is just not the same as a baby's suck. I've tried to get Avery to breastfeed recently and she just screams and won't do it.
Seeing people write about breastfeeding their baby actually makes me sad! I am so jealous of the mothers that are just exclusively breastfeeding their baby. I know that it was my stupid decisions that caused this and now I can't fix it.
On a totally different subject, I am wondering what everyone's opinions are on vaccinations. I'm not trying to start a debate on the subject though. I am just wondering what your reasons are for vaccinating or not vaccinating your child. I decided not to vaccinate Avery at all but I sometimes feel uncertain of my decision and would just appreciate other's opinions on the subject. Ok, I am sorry that this post is so long! Enjoy what's left of the weekend! :)
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Don't beat yourself up about it at least you tried and at least she got soem breast milk. I am sure your experience will be much different next time. Just think about how much you learned about breast feeding this time! really formula is fine, I know a lot of people are very anti-formula but really it's food. Don't feel guilty cause you are doing the best for her!
ReplyDeleteIf you are interested in relactation you should check out Rachous blog on it....http://relactater.blogspot.com/
She has like no supply after 20 days and just formula and was able to relactate and EBF! it takes a lot of work and effort but if it is something you really want to do it is possible.
Ok good luck, you are a great Mama whether it is breast milk or formula don't let a feeding choice define what kind of Mama you are!! some of the best Mama's I know formula feed
In my opinion, you have gone above and beyond trying to breastfeed. I exclusively breastfed my son for 3 months, but stopped due to a milk imbalance. I felt guilty, but then realized that my child was much more satisfied and happier on formula. Try not to beat yourself up too much. You obviously care a lot about your daughter, and THAT is what matters most.
ReplyDeleteAs for vaccinations, I chose to vaccinate my son. The reason children these days do not get the diseases we vaccinate for, is because we vaccinate them. If enough Mommas and Dads choose not to vaccinate, I feel like these diseases might become a problem again. With that said, talk to your husband, decide what you both want, and don't let other people bully or guilt you into the decision.
You did wonderful. Most women would have given up a LONG time ago. Breatfeeding, pumping, finger feeding...all of that is ALOT of work and you stuck it out for a really long time. You did great and you have perfectly healthy little girl to show for it!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouraging words everyone. I appreciate it sooo much!
ReplyDeleteokay...i am going to share a little of my experience with you on breastfeeding. before olivia was born i just always thought nursing was something that came naturally for both mom and baby. NO ONE told me otherwise! i didn't read about it in any books...i just assumed it was this beautiful, natural thing. boy was i wrong! my milk did not come in for 2 days after she was born and my little girl had no clue how to latch on and i didn't know what on earth to do! i also had no idea how painful it was. BUT. it's all in your determination. i kept up with it because i knew it was something i was going to do. i didn't want to give her formula...i was very close to giving up but through the help and encouragement of my husband, my mom, and a lactation consultant we finally made it over the hard parts. it took us about a month or so (maybe even two and ALOT OF TEARS!) before i was completely comfortable with it and then it just came like second nature. she nursed until she was 14 months. all of this to say...you learn a lot with the first. i'm sure you will have a much better and different experience with your second. i would not feel guilty if i were you. it is hard work and if you aren't prepared for it (which i was not!) it is even harder. if you want to nurse exclusively with the second, don't even let your mind go to a place of giving up because when you do that's when it becomes easier to let go of it.
ReplyDeleteas for vaccinating....we chose to vaccinate! we spread her shots out a little bit and have an awesome doctor who was very informative and not pushy with anything. i ultimately came to the conclusion that i wanted her to have her shots because the risks of these diseases far out weighed the risk of the shots. olivia has done so well with all of them...no fevers, nothing. yes, i worry every time she gets one, but i have come to a point where i have to do what i know to be best for her and trust that God is taking care of the rest :)
You have a GORGEOUS baby! I am pregnant with my first, so unfortunetly I am clueless when it comes to breastfeeding.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a really caring momma.
Glad to be a new reader to your blog.
Please don't feel guilty. It's not easy by any means and I commend you for having the desire. I have 3 girls and have always started to breastfeed, then pump, then eventually formula feed. It's just what works best for us. I am the type of person who gets too overwhelmed and got very frustrated with everything that comes with breastfeeding. For my sanity, formula feeding is better for us. (Though, whenever I have to purchase formula, I wish I was more gung-ho about it!)
ReplyDeleteYou are an awesome mother and just enjoy your baby girl. As long as she is healthy and happy, that is all the matters.
Cheers!